The Ins and Outs of Premarital Counseling
Did you know that couples counseling is beneficial before tying the knot?
Research is still emerging, but we are seeing anywhere from 50%-80% of couples who engaged in quality premarital counseling had happier marriages and were far less likely to separate or divorce as compared to couples who separated that did not partake in premarital counseling.
For me, the time, money, and effort that goes into premarital counseling is well worth being in that 50%-80% success rate.
There are lots of reasons that couples choose to participate in premarital counseling. However, the structure of premarital counseling will look similar for most couples. The topics typically covered include: Intimacy, Finances, Household Expectations, Relationship Expectations, Communication, Spirituality, and Current Challenges.
Let’s take a little deeper dive into each topic. Keep in mind, this is where the counseling is going to look different for each couple; this is where therapy is tailored and specific to YOU!
Intimacy
Intimacy- emotional and physical- is what makes a romantic relationship different from a friendship. Intimacy, in all forms of the concept, is pretty important in your relationship! When talking about intimacy in premarital counseling, we will talk about emotional intimacy - how the two of you connect at the heart. We will talk about physical intimacy which includes the spectrum of kissing through consensual sex. Will some of these conversations feel awkward? Maybe. Remember, therapy is a safe place to have these conversations.
Finances
Whether you are living together and sharing some financial responsibilities now, or are waiting until marriage to make these moves, finances are going to be a frequent concept and discussion item in your marriage. There are endless ways to approach finances in a relationship, and we will use the premarital counseling space to get on the same page so there is clear understanding around finances. Specifically, I make sure to cover budgeting practices, saving practices, who manages the account(s), long-term financial planning such as retirement, and life insurance. I will not give advice on financial topics, but I will facilitate discussions in session along with giving further discussion topics to address outside of the session.
Household Expectations
Who is doing the cooking, cleaning, fixing, purchasing, and all things house-related?! Answer- it will be shared! Again, every couple approaches these practices in a different way. Premarital counseling sessions will be used to discuss more specifically how these responsibilities can be reached, maintained, adjusted, or all of the above. Keeping a home is a bit of work! It can be fun to do this kind of stuff together.
Relationship Expectations
Similar to intimacy, this topic is a larger one and often takes a few sessions of attention to fully complete. Relationship Expectations is all about learning boundaries (with each other, with families, with friends, with work, with time, and more), love languages, solidifying a strong foundation for your marriage, careers, keeping the ‘spark’ alive, and kids (if that is a topic of interest). See why this topic is a big one? And pretty important.
Communication
Positive communication pretty often correlates with a positive marriage. This doesn’t mean communication needs to be only rainbows and butterflies. This is the space where we discuss conflict- how to handle it, how to resolve when possible, and how to repair. Communication is a practice, and we will get active practice with communication in session. You will also get lots of practice with communication when doing the ‘therapy work’ outside of session.
Spirituality
This is a topic that won’t apply to every couple. If it’s not a part of your relationship, then we skip it. For those who have it a part of their relationship and future marriage, we will talk about expectations around spirituality/religion. Expectations may include frequency of attending the spiritual space, extracurricular spiritual practices, time needed for practices, and other topics as it applies to your specific marriage.
Current Challenges
And of course there will be space to discuss anything that is currently challenging! Let’s talk about what has been hard, or something you need help resolving, so that it doesn't follow forward into the marriage (if at all possible). Current challenges offer the opportunity to practice some of the communication pieces I spoke to above - and who doesn’t love a 2-for-1 deal!
That all sounds helpful. So when do we start premarital counseling?!
Great question. Ideally, we spend around 6 months together prior to the marriage engaging in conversations around the topics above. Then we meet again shortly after the marriage festivities and celebrations to share the joy of the celebrations, and have a check-in to see how things are going and feeling. Some couples choose to make counseling a regular part of their marriage as well.