Do you have very high standards for yourself?

Do people around you describe you as having a Type-A personality?

Does life not feel fulfilling even though you feel you are doing all the right things because it’s hard to live up to your own expectations?

It’s possible you are experiencing anxiety manifesting as perfectionism. Perfectionism can be characterized by setting excessively high standards and being overly self-critical. Symptoms of perfectionism can show up in all facets of your life or it can develop specific to things like parenting or work.

This month, as we are reflecting on relationships here at ERA, I’m thinking about how our relationships with ourselves and our self-perception can affect our quality of life. One of the qualities that I see many people clinging onto, despite having an overall negative affect on themselves and their relationships, is “perfectionism.”

Oftentimes, people do not view perfectionism as an anxiety symptom. Instead we might see perfectionism as a form of armor or a type of liferaft. Anxious individuals believe their fastidiousness is the only thing between them and complete and utter chaos. Due to these beliefs, it can be very difficult for people to see the connection between their perfectionism and their dissatisfaction with life. For perfectionists, they may present to therapy as feeling overwhelmed and looking for stress management techniques. They might also want to keep doing everything perfectly, not loosen up on rigid expectations, while still hoping to feel better!

Unfortunately it isn’t that easy.

Self doubt and the inability to sit with uncertainty is at the core of perfectionism. Take these thoughts as examples:

“I want to be the perfect mom so my kids won’t talk about me in therapy”
“I want to be the best at work so I’ll never get fired”
“I want to look perfect so I won’t be judged”

All of these thoughts are based in fear and none of these fears are fully preventable. Perfection in each of these scenarios is not possible. In fact, striving for perfection in all aspects of our life can lead to us feeling dissatisfied with everything. We are human beings with a finite amount of energy and cannot give 100% to everything, not even close.

Letting go of the desire to be perfect is terrifying since it means we will have to make peace with the fact we will mess up occasionally, we will face scrutiny, and things won’t always turn out how we want them to. When things turn out differently than we intended, we will have to be compassionate with ourselves, although this is no easy feat. If we are having a hard time “letting go” of perfectionism, therapy can be a great place to get support, be kept accountable, and to practice letting go of rigid expectations.